15 March, 2006
leprechaun 4: in space
I saw Leprechaun 4: In Space for one reason: because there was a review that said "NEVER, ever, under any circumstances watch this movie." And now that I have all I can say is NEVER, ever, under any circumstances watch this movie. Why? Look at the title.
Leprechaun...(okay, are you with me so far?)
In...SPACE!!!
On the cover of the video--I guess to make sure that we know that, yes, the leprechaun really is "In Space"--there is a picture of a moon landing complete with lander capsule and the American flag.
However, please ignore this misleading graphic if you were hoping for a historical fiction film. At no point in the movie is there any mention of the moon landing. At no point in the movie do the events depicted take place within at least 23,462,784,000,000 miles of the moon, and that is using the most generous estimation possible. Because the location of Leprechaun 4 is mostly in an orbit around an unknown planet orbiting an unknown star, if we were to select a star at random from anywhere in the universe, then there would be almost a 100% chance that at no time in the movie do any of the characters come within less than a working infinity of miles from the moon.
That is a long-ass way from the moon--even by God's standards. And, seeing as how the moon features prominently on the movie cover, infinity times seems to be an inordinate amount of times for the moon to not be mentioned within the movie itself.
So why in the nine hells is there a picture of a moon-landing on the cover?
It seems to me it would have taken a lot less work and made an infinity more amount of sense to put the Leprechaun's face on a black background and sprinkle it with a few white dots for stars and be done with it.
Okay, a bit of the "plot":
An Irish Leprechaun kidnaps the princess of some planet trying to get her to marry him so he can become a king. Marines drop in and rescue her after a gritty, balls-to-the-wall Leprechaun versus Space Marines firefight.
Yes--I said Leprechaun versus Space Marines firefight. Possibly the most authentic realization of future combat ever committed to film.
And you think a squad of heavily-armed Space Marines are any kind of match for an Irish Leprechaun? Think again. Based on what I saw the leprechaun apparently has two rather significant advantages going for him:
1.) He CANNOT DIE
2.) He can conjure ANYTHING into existence at ANY TIME ex nihilo
Now, normally a writer for the stage or screen is familiar with certain venerable dramatic principles, like don't have a character that both cannot die as well as conjure anything willy-nilly out of thin air at any time with no restrictions, because that would just be stupid...
But Leprechaun 4 plays by its own rules.
So the immortal all-conjuring leprechaun gets aboard the marines' ship to get back the princess, and fun ensues. Why this plotline involving an immortal all-conjuring leprechaun would take more than about five minutes to resolve itself is beyond my ken. Why aforementioned immortal all-conjuring leprechaun needed to marry a princess to gain power is beyond my ken. Why set designers in 1997 thought disco balls would still be a prominent feature of dance floors in the far-future is beyond my ken. A lot of things concerning this particular film are beyond my ken.
Truly, this movie has to be seen to be believed--but I don't recommend doing so.
Actually, I'm going to tone down the rhetoric a bit. If you are among the most daring and battle-hardened b-movie-watchers able to withstand quotes such as:
[German accent]
I am not Mitten-heim...
I am... MITTEN-SchPIDAH!!!
(spider)
...then you shall be rewarded because this film is indeed a laughfest pot of gold for those capable of adopting the appropriate mindset.
Oh, and the princess was pretty hot too:
Despite everything, if I look past the dialogue that makes The Hot Chick look like Hamlet (I am 100% serious), and if I look past the plot that made so little sense that it actually made a negative amount of sense and formed an anti-sense particle storm that set off a small sense explosion in my vcr by colliding with the postive sense particles in the normal universe, then I can see a film with a whole lot of potential. Ah, what Leprechaun 4: In Space could have been...
I guess there was a take-home lesson I got from all this:
Never...ever...under any circumstances, urinate on a leprechaun's corpse. That is for zombies. You have to desecrate the corpses of zombies, or they come back. Leprechauns are different. Write this down. If you confuse zombies and leprechauns in this regard, you are going to be in for one hell of a bad day. Think the Alien chestbursting scene, only, uh...
downstairs.
Leprechaun...(okay, are you with me so far?)
In...SPACE!!!
On the cover of the video--I guess to make sure that we know that, yes, the leprechaun really is "In Space"--there is a picture of a moon landing complete with lander capsule and the American flag.
However, please ignore this misleading graphic if you were hoping for a historical fiction film. At no point in the movie is there any mention of the moon landing. At no point in the movie do the events depicted take place within at least 23,462,784,000,000 miles of the moon, and that is using the most generous estimation possible. Because the location of Leprechaun 4 is mostly in an orbit around an unknown planet orbiting an unknown star, if we were to select a star at random from anywhere in the universe, then there would be almost a 100% chance that at no time in the movie do any of the characters come within less than a working infinity of miles from the moon.
That is a long-ass way from the moon--even by God's standards. And, seeing as how the moon features prominently on the movie cover, infinity times seems to be an inordinate amount of times for the moon to not be mentioned within the movie itself.
So why in the nine hells is there a picture of a moon-landing on the cover?
It seems to me it would have taken a lot less work and made an infinity more amount of sense to put the Leprechaun's face on a black background and sprinkle it with a few white dots for stars and be done with it.
Okay, a bit of the "plot":
An Irish Leprechaun kidnaps the princess of some planet trying to get her to marry him so he can become a king. Marines drop in and rescue her after a gritty, balls-to-the-wall Leprechaun versus Space Marines firefight.
Yes--I said Leprechaun versus Space Marines firefight. Possibly the most authentic realization of future combat ever committed to film.
And you think a squad of heavily-armed Space Marines are any kind of match for an Irish Leprechaun? Think again. Based on what I saw the leprechaun apparently has two rather significant advantages going for him:
1.) He CANNOT DIE
2.) He can conjure ANYTHING into existence at ANY TIME ex nihilo
Now, normally a writer for the stage or screen is familiar with certain venerable dramatic principles, like don't have a character that both cannot die as well as conjure anything willy-nilly out of thin air at any time with no restrictions, because that would just be stupid...
But Leprechaun 4 plays by its own rules.
So the immortal all-conjuring leprechaun gets aboard the marines' ship to get back the princess, and fun ensues. Why this plotline involving an immortal all-conjuring leprechaun would take more than about five minutes to resolve itself is beyond my ken. Why aforementioned immortal all-conjuring leprechaun needed to marry a princess to gain power is beyond my ken. Why set designers in 1997 thought disco balls would still be a prominent feature of dance floors in the far-future is beyond my ken. A lot of things concerning this particular film are beyond my ken.
Truly, this movie has to be seen to be believed--but I don't recommend doing so.
Actually, I'm going to tone down the rhetoric a bit. If you are among the most daring and battle-hardened b-movie-watchers able to withstand quotes such as:
[German accent]
I am not Mitten-heim...
I am... MITTEN-SchPIDAH!!!
(spider)
...then you shall be rewarded because this film is indeed a laughfest pot of gold for those capable of adopting the appropriate mindset.
Oh, and the princess was pretty hot too:
Despite everything, if I look past the dialogue that makes The Hot Chick look like Hamlet (I am 100% serious), and if I look past the plot that made so little sense that it actually made a negative amount of sense and formed an anti-sense particle storm that set off a small sense explosion in my vcr by colliding with the postive sense particles in the normal universe, then I can see a film with a whole lot of potential. Ah, what Leprechaun 4: In Space could have been...
I guess there was a take-home lesson I got from all this:
Never...ever...under any circumstances, urinate on a leprechaun's corpse. That is for zombies. You have to desecrate the corpses of zombies, or they come back. Leprechauns are different. Write this down. If you confuse zombies and leprechauns in this regard, you are going to be in for one hell of a bad day. Think the Alien chestbursting scene, only, uh...
downstairs.
# posted by Arnold : Wednesday, March 15, 2006
